it hurts
i don't know how to start. i don't really like talking, because i am afraid of being wrong, nothing else. everytime i talk, i feel uncomfortable because i think people will start knowing me, and expecting things they expect from a normal person, but when i keep silent, i feel like i'm in control of my narrative.
have you ever felt the stare ? when you feel like everything you do, people will see and talk about, even though you know nobody cares, but it still feels like it's there. yes, i feel that too, way more now than i used to. what's changed ?
where did it all go wrong ? i have no idea. i remember being a little kid, plump with excitement and joy, feeling fulfilled, destined to make them proud. that didn't happen, i hope it does, but i know it won't. i try to forget all about it, but i can't. i have good ideas, but i know i won't be able to fulfill them, and that's very frustrating. i wish i was more, but i am not, and ending it all seems like a good option, but i don't want to.
i live in a fantasy of my thoughts, fueled only by my wishes, and i know it's wrong, but i can't stop, because when i do, it all ends. and that's scary. i don't even know why i am writing this. for you ? maybe. for me ? i don't think so. 'cause i've lived with this for what feels like ages, but i need to tell someone, 'cause it hurts a lot.